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There are two types of people in this world. There is the woman who goes to bed and spends the next few hours sorting out ridiculous and unnecessary thoughts, unable to get any real quality of sleep for quite some time, fretting and considering an assortment of stored up chaos in her mind. Then, there is the (I’m sorry, guys, but it’s nearly always been my experience …) the man whose head barely hits the pillow before they are peacefully snoring away.
As you may have guessed, I am the former. I can’t recall a time when I wasn’t. I’ve tried a wide variety of options to try to make it better. But it seems no matter how hard I try, sleep is something that does not come easily to me.
I’ve been wildly jealous of those that have not struggled. Those that are somehow able to rest their heads onto a pillow and, presto. They’re done. No random thoughts flying through their minds. No song stuck in their heads. No “to do” list amassing by the moment.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m tired. I’m tired all day long. I’m exhausted. There are times in late afternoon that I swear I’m going to glue my eyelids open to stay awake. If I blink too long, I swear I’ll doze off. The cure for this exhaustion? That night. Lay down… try to go to sleep. Instantly, I’m wide awake.
It seems my brain finds this the ideal time to process every thought imaginable. That thing I should have said in that argument three years ago, yes, now’s the ideal time to map that out. Did I put the washer contents into the dryer? By all means, now is the perfect moment to stress about it either way. Clothes are either getting smelly and mildewed or wrinkled and unfolded. From the upcoming grocery list to my third-grade teacher, there is just always something random that manages to find bedtime to be an optimal moment to reemerge.
I know that part of the solution could be more physical activity. Perhaps my mind would be forced to slow down if my body was moved a bit more each day. Somehow, the negative wind chills have not inspired me to get my walks in our present season.
I have never been one to be able to meditate or “focus on nothing.” I’ve never been able to “count sheep” or try to get my mind on something mundane. Instead, it is a crossing of wires I’m sure will someday snap and officially make me crazy. I’ll think, ‘Just think of song lyrics. Let’s try that. What song should I do?’ to get my mind settled. And what happens?
In my brain, it sounds something like this.
“Let’s try American Pie. That’s a long song, and you know it all, and maybe trying to recall each line will help you zone out. American Pie, what a weird name for a song. How did America corner the market on pie, like nothing is ‘as American as apple pie’ but how is that patriotic. Apple pie is an awesome drink. I remember our neighbor making batches for parties. And remember that one party where we did lay on the hood of a truck and sang that song. Yes, we were probably buzzed. It was in college. I think that house was a friend’s, one they were renting. I remember we had dizzy bat baseball there once. Oh, remember the year that the elderberry bush was blocking part of the field? I think we all left with stains that could not be removed. It wasn’t as good as that one time, when we had it in Delaware. That was hysterical. Remember our friend was laying in the ditch? Oh man, we had good times in college. I wonder how our football team will be next year. This year’s playoffs were so close, dang it. Maybe next season. Do you really think Franklin can take us all the way? And poor Allar, he had a terrible playoff run. I hope he stays next year and does a better job. I’d love for him to go out on a high note. We should get to a warmer game next year. Those cold winter games stink. Of course, we’d be sweaty in August. We’d be far more likely to get sunburn. Hm which is worse…”
You get the idea. That is, not kidding, an actual recounting of my internal monologue while trying to get to sleep one recent night. I won’t bore you with more of my random rambles. But that’s seriously what it is like inside my silly mind. I have a very hard time shutting it all down.
I’ve tried medication. I’ve tried ASMR for sleep. I’ve tried music and tones. I’ve done wind-down routines, hot showers, ear plugs, eye masks, different bedding, different pajamas… you get the idea. If I knew the solution, I’d try it. But to date, I’ve yet to find success.
For now, I’ll continue to drag myself through my late afternoons, trying to remain focused and finish the workday, when all I can think about is a nap. When the weather warms, maybe walking will help again.
Until then, I’ll remain the one that is up for hours past the time she went to bed, contemplating choices I made in middle school, because that matters at 1:03 a.m.
